Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in ladymeitreya's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
10:38 pm	so tired Well, my man is back in town and I'm relieved. I'm so tired though. All the not sleeping well has been catching up to me. I'm pretty sure I'm definitely horribly in love with this man. How the hell did this happen? I was so not ready for this. It's really good though. I don't know how to make it all work out, but I sure want it to. It's all so hard, it would be so much easier to just say screw it and break up because it requires work getting to know each other better, getting over our differences, finding time for each other when our schedules conflict a lot. Hell, it doesn't make any sense for us to be together, we'd be better off as friends. I can't do that though because despite all that, I want it to work out and I think it'll be something good. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 20th, 2007
3:18 pm	aww, damn So, we tried to jump the boyfriend's car, it didn't work :( Now I have to call and tell him that. *ugh* I love him so much, I just want to have it all fixed before he gets home. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 15th, 2007
9:12 am	*deep sigh* - significance today's e-mail had March of Time by John Fisher. While the religious aspect isn't that helpful to me, parts of it were. Significant.. yes, I want to be significant and no, I don't feel like I am. I am grasping at straws to matter to someone, to anyone, to myself. I think I may be very depressed. I'm not sure. It's not helping that the man in my life didn't call yesterday even though I sent some text messages and I tried to call this morning and just got voice mail. Before he left he said it would be easy to get in touch because he took his phone charger. I know he was hoping to discover things about himself while on vacation and now I think he may be discovering he likes it there and wants to stay and that means not being with me and I feel like he doesn't want to tell me because he knows it will hurt. It hurts more for me to feel this way than to be left in silence. To feel insignificant. My heart's been broken before, I can take it. Here's the article. March of time by John Fischer Everyone wants to be significant. We want our lives to mean something in a wider context. Some try to buy significance through their accomplishments or their wealth and possessions. They may succeed in this but only for a short while. Think of the great kings and pharaohs who tried to carry significance into the grave with them. All they got was the march of time and time has a very poor memory. If you’ve ever read gravestones, you have discovered there was a period in history when the most popular thing to put on a grave stone was: “Gone, but not forgotten.” It’s always poignant to see that statement barely legible or overgrown with weeds. Significance is very elusive. It is one of those things you can never find when you are seeking it. Try and be significant and that’s the last thing you will be, and this is a true statement even in an age of marketing, image, and sound bites, when notoriety can be created almost overnight. The religious hypocrites of Jesus’ day tried to do this, and this is what Jesus said about them: “When you give a gift to someone in need, don’t shout about it as the hypocrites do – blowing trumpets in the synagogues and streets to call attention to their acts of charity! I assure you, they have received all the reward they will ever get. But when you give to someone, don’t tell your left hand what your right hand is doing. Give your gifts in secret, and your Father, who knows all secrets, will reward you.” (Matthew 6:2-4 NLT) True significance comes by way of being other-minded. It is never self-serving; significance is the result of serving others. And true significance comes from being recognized by God, even if it’s in secret (and it usually is). I’m thinking about all the “little people” who will be big time in heaven. God has such a different view of this than we do. Try this: When you are with others today, ask them how they are doing instead of talking about yourself. It’s a simple way to start thinking outside of your own head. I know about this because I get stuck in my own head all the time. I think as if other people exist for me when it should be the other way around. You and I exist to serve others. Let’s actually spend some time thinking about how we’re going to do that today. Current Mood: melancholy (Comment on this)
Friday, January 12th, 2007
8:56 pm	Whew, what a day So, my daughter is in NYC on "vacation" with her dad. Funny how every "visitation" he has is "no rules" and all fun and games. Tonight he mentions "She's not eating very well, I got her a hamburger from burger king, a hot dog from the street vendor, whatever she wants and then she doesn't eat it." Well, she's four. No kidding. At home with me I give her food and she eats it, if she doesn't want to eat it I tell her that she can either eat it, or wait until the next meal, but there won't be a short order cook position opening in our apartment anytime soon. He then tells me "Well, maybe I'll take her out for some dessert or something in a while." Uh, if I knew that not eating my dinner got me dessert later, I wouldn't eat it either. This morning I took my significant other to the airport. It was hard to say goodbye to him, but I have a lot of things to figure out and so does he. I mean, at this point in time, the only things we both seem sure about is that we would like to be together for the long haul, and I'm not entirely sure he is positive about that. I know I love him awful though, even if he did try to poison me. (Not literally! He had coffee left in his mug, couldn't take it with him and since my coffee was gone, I took a big ole swig.. oh man it was wretched, it was absolutely disgusting! When questioned later, he proclaimed it was "french vanilla creamer". No need to ever try that again!) On the positive side, he knows I am doing the 50BookChallenge and in his car he packed a case of books he thought I would enjoy reading as part of the challenge. Yep, he's a keeper. I am so tired I am going to sleep early I think. I need to go to the store. I don't know whether I should tough it out tonight and go or wait until tomorrow. If I go tomorrow I won't be too tired and I'll get all the stuff I want and need, if I go tonight, I'm just getting what I have to and I'm sure I'd regret that as I have onigiri plans. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
7:27 am	Goals - 2007 1) To provide a safe and happy home for my child 2) To be less self-centered and more considerate of others needs 3) To fulfill my job duties beyond expectations whether that be my current nanny position, or any other job I may have. 4) To try and develop trust for those around me. 5) To continue learning and expanding knowledge regarding faith and trying to find my way 6) To continue to be open and honest 7) To complete the "Read 50 Books This Year" Challenge 8) To love unconditionally any significant other in my life 9) To do something nice for a stranger in need at least a few times this year 10) To take care of myself health wise 11) To journal a minimum of three times per week - private or public (Comment on this)
Friday, January 5th, 2007
4:54 am	Intro, Update, Whatever Well, here I am, having made a mess of my life for the last time, here's to starting over. Things are going well now, the ex and I are being civil and I have a job as a nanny, which provides a safe, clean, and family like environment for my daughter. She's four and struggling a bit with the idea that her mom and dad don't love each other, but says dad's new girlfriend is nice. She would like me to marry my friend Mike. Heh. I say "uh, no dear, your mom is never marrying anyone again". For the first time in I don't know how long, I feel happy. I feel good. I am grateful for my life as it currently stands. (Comment on this)